It seems each month since we took placement of Charlotte, I have had a different set of emotions. This month, I have been thanking God for his wisdom. When we first found out we had a fertility problem, I prayed everyday that God would allow us to conceive a child. Whether it be naturally or through IVF or some other crazy way that only medical science would allow. With each new test result we received, I was certain God wanted us to have a biological child. I just knew this was what He wanted. I had convinced myself that what I wanted had to be what He wanted, selfish I know. When we found out that it would never happen, I was angry. I couldn’t believe He would take this from us. I actually yelled at God, our Creator. What was I thinking!!??!! Up until this point, for the most part, everything in my life had worked out the way I thought I wanted: good grades, scholarship to the school of my choice, sorority life, internship with a great company and an amazing job out of college, married the man beyond my dreams, you get the picture. Now, when it comes to creating life, Tim and I get a NO! Are you kidding me? Things like this don’t happen to me, like I am somehow immune to adversity.
Then when we were matched in November, I just knew this was His plan. So much had just happened in our lives and I was certain that this would be the one shining light. Wrong again. However this time was different, I didn’t get angry. I put my trust in Him and prayed for understanding of God’s plan for our family. Just one month later God revealed His plan and led us to the family He intended for us. It was the longest 4 months, but God gave us signs that we were where He wanted us to be. It was scary, exciting, overwhelming at times, every emotion imaginable.
Now I can’t quit thanking God for His wisdom. He had a much better plan for Tim and me. I am so grateful for our infertility and the failed placement. His plan was so much bigger and better than mine. How could I have ever doubted Him? Charlotte is the most beautiful, amazing miracle I have ever witnessed. She was created perfect by God. So perfect that she needed more people to love her. Seeing her everyday is like seeing God. I am crying just thinking about her. I have become such a cry baby, maybe because I see God’s work everyday in Charlotte. Over our morning bottle we say our prayers for her entire family and I beg God to watch over Charlotte and stay strong in her heart so she can resist the evils of this world and follow Him.
I went back to work this past week. It was so difficult. I cried for days leading up to it. Up until now, I have witnessed first hand, everything Charlotte has done: sleep, smile, roll over, you name it, I have seen it happen because I cannot take my eyes off of her. Now, someone else will have to send me pictures or videos of the new things she learns and experiences. I know that me working will teach her about hard work and so many other things. After all, I am here to raise her up to serve the Lord and I can help show her that in my work. So until we win the lottery, I will continue working.
In a nutshell, our cup runneth over!